This is a mess.
People dying left and right. Literally.
Trying to make everyone happy-
but know what? I failed.
I'm sorry Draye. I'm sorry that I hurt you, for everything I've ever done to make you feel bad even though even I don't know everything. But it hurts-- it hurts to know that I can just keep apologizing--more heartfelt than any real-life friend I've ever apologized to--and you won't believe me. You won't listen, and that hurts. What more, why would I ever matter to you? I read your journal-- there're always those people you thank for listening to you, talking to you, and I'm always off to the side, feeling useless--like I just don't exist. You won't see this: you never even visit my journal. I'm just another person you used to talk to online.
..sometimes I think half the people in the world would have killed themselves if it wasn't such a big risk--if it didn't hurt so much to die. I know I would be dead, long dead, if I weren't so afraid. And I would hurt my parents and my friends so much if they knew I cried for almost an hour over someone I didn't really know and then tried to kill myself.
I admit it, alright? I'm sensitive. I cry at least once or twice a week, although very rarely as I just have. I was a crybaby. I came home everyday from school crying because someone called me short, or insulted me. I'd cry if a teacher said no to an answer, or if I messed up on a speech. I'm not a public speaker; I'm not a leader. All I wanted was for everyone to be happy; for everyone to like me. I CARE what people think of me. I care about their opinions, and many of the people I talk to online matter so much to me. It's true that I hide everything beneath a smile. I smile because I want everyone else to smile. I smile because I don't want anyone to know how much I am hurting inside. Talking about how I feel makes me cry.
Amy, Ya Ya -- you have no idea how much I appreciate the two of you, even though it seems that I just throw some things over my shoulder and don't listen to you. Sophia... I'm sorry. I don't know what to think anymore. Your parents hate me. They think I'm manipulating you... but I'm sure you already know that. Maggie... I trust you, even if your memory is a bit faulty at times, and you lost my cds for half a year--even after that fight we had.
Apologizing to someone to their face is hard for me. It's very difficult for me to wait for their reaction, to see their thoughts in their eyes. I can't bear to have someone hate me. If it's a jerk, or just a plain idiot, then I would mind.. but, like Draye, like Lacey and that incident almost two years ago-- they're all decent people, and I'm glad that Lacey and I became friends again. I value their opinions so very much, and it's so unbearable when I know that they don't like me.
I wanted everyone to have fun. I'm sorry that I quit Centerworld-- but I promised Icey and Kana that I would rejoin when I got a good character idea. And I will. I will rejoin if it's still alive when I return. I will rejoin, but under a different name. It hurts too much to go as myself. Draye would never know that, ever since Ave, I got bored of my characters and had been trying to create a new one, one that I would be able to BE. Draye never reads my journal.
You know what? I look at my buddy list today and wonder how many people have me blocked. Sometimes, when I see someone sign off, I wonder if they really have blocked me and I will never see them again. Sometimes, I wonder how many people on there I haven't seen in ages and will never see again... and I wonder: in a year, how many of these people will still be my friends? how many people will I still be talking to? How many still still BE there? Two years? Five?
I'm young... fourteen. But I've role-played for almost three years, and I feel like it's not enough. I feel like I'm just a beginner. I've had people hate me before, and I guess I should be used to this by now, but I'm not. It still hurts. It still makes me cry, and I feel like a wimp and an idiot. I've seen dozens of rpgs--many of them very dear to me--close, and I've seen even more of them open.
I lost my inspiration for Centerworld, but for the sakes of all the players there, I will be trying to find it. I promise.
I know I quit CW. I didn't mean to make it look like I ran off and started one right after I quit.
But what with the suicide, Steph was so unhappy and all. I remembered that one LJ post she had about making an rpg, and I thought--that was it. I wanted to cheer her up, so I tried to help her recruit. Made a chatroom.. it was chaos in there. Just chaos. No one would listen. And so I stayed. I remained and tried to make order. Was ignored. I tried. We got it in the end, didn't we... but gods, my temper was THIS far from snapping. Most people would have no idea how frustrating it is. I am NEVER going into peer mediating. You can take my word on that.
...I haven't cried like this in ages.
Know what happened? Aubrey came up to me a while ago and told me she reopened Hero's Quest. God--I played there so long ago. Played there because Maggie played there and I wanted to keep her company. I played there, I met Icey there, and I haven't regretted it. Aubrey wanted to know if I could join again, and when I told her I wasn't sure if I could, she said she'd understand if I couldn't.
I love you, Aubrey. Who cares if I've never really said that to you? I love you too, Icey, Kana, Gia, everyone I've ever talked to-- and you as well, Draye, even if you hate me so much now..
And it's so sad, because I know that--away from this, talking to people in real-life, chatting with people online, I'll pretend nothing's ever happened. Sorry, Kana, I guess you just sort of caught the brunt of the crying.. Gia just came along for a sort of an aftershock. In an hour, in a day, a week, a month, or ever--if anything goes wrong, I know I'll just continue pretending that everything is fine. I might cry, but the next day I will be smiling again.
Sometimes I think this is a hard burden to bear.
But it hurts even more to think about, or to talk about it.